The Epitome of Insanity

SWEET! 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94KcI0gLq1A

Dear Common Sense: 

I just wanted you to know how glad I am that you're around- how proud I am of you. You saved my life in ways I was not even sure of until recently, and you helped to show me how awful things could've been. You also temper my vanity so that I don't post countless pictures of myself in the same pose, making the same face, wearing the same clothes, from the same day on websites where my family and friends can stalk me. I love you. 

Yours truly, 
Higher Self

I can't sleep. I'm not sure what's on my mind, or why I'm so unsettled tonight, but it's 4:30 am, and I'm just not tired. 

Settle, hon, settle. 

They've moved the softball game to the 5th of August instead of the 12th? Why does everything have to be so complicated. It could just work, stay on the assigned day, etc, so forth. It was scheduled like that on purpose to begin with, I assume.

Damn it all.

 

I was really hoping there'd be someone to talk to tonight. I don't need to vent about problems or anything, I'm just... alone. Very, very alone.  

It's every three fucking seconds! I try to watch something online and have to stop it to let it load every three seconds. Ooooh.... it's frustrating. 

Does no male understand that I don't want to be the one responsible for keeping in touch? You calling/writing me means that you care about me. If you don't call/write, you don't care. It's that kind of translation. This is not hard. 

Three different friends. Three different people who didn't respond to my communications and simultaneously signed out.
Impressive.

 

It's 5:11 am. After a very rough evening, I've concluded that butter does go bad, one can obviously tell, and should not eat it. Keep refrigerated at all times. Do not eat lots of food with bad butter.  

It took him a long time to convince her that he wanted her.
No one feels like they've done anything wrong.
He didn't let on. It had been lacking for a while.
Discussed the potential future at length.

Conclusion:  run away. 

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate

It's going to be bad today. I feel it. 
It's because I woke up to people being righteous about their lives and patronizing me. It's because even though I've tried to get over it, I can't. It's because there's no help for it. 
It's because I was awake at 7:45, which was good, if I was leaving today. Bad as far as having nothing to do. 
And maybe I just should go. Maybe I should leave everything behind physically first, then emotionally, and someday in the distant future, I'll come back to it. I made promises, but are they realistic enough for me to keep them? One can't have both and think that neither side will be resentful. 

I need better guidance. 

These have impacted me, whether I relate to them, or was frightened to death.

Every moment of one's existence one is growing into more or retreating into less. One is always living a little more or dying a little bit.

 

Norman Mailer

 

 

I would say a lot of the emotion in what I do is a sort of a thankfulness for those energies being around, because there's been points in my life when they weren't around, and it's a real sort of miserable existence.

John Frusciante

“The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one's "own" or "real" life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life.”

CS. Lewis

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. ~Irene Peter

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. ~Bertold Brecht

“For if I try to seize this self of which I feel sure, if I try to define and to summarize it , it is nothing but water slipping through my fingers...This very heart which is mine will forever remain indefinable to me.”

Albert camus

In the last analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for "finding himself." If he persists in shifting his responsibility to somebody else, he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence.

 

Thomas Merton

 

Man's love is of man's life a part; it is a woman's whole existence. In her first passion, a woman loves her lover, in all the others all she loves is love.

 

Lord Byron

 

 

Self-control means wanting to be effective at some random point in the infinite radiations of my spiritual existence.

 

Franz Kafka


::Edit:: I never thought of myself as masochistic until the day I repeated behavior I knew was bad for me. Was I expecting it to change? 



I give up.

Now that I am in possession of almost every Bond movie ever made, I have a request. I need at some point to own the two newest ones: Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace.  For that matter, I don't think I've even seen the second one yet, which is quite disappointing. 
My plan for this morning is to watch Dr. No while exercising, then clean, etc and so forth. I have eaten a good breakfast, so that I don't feel bad like yesterday. Woo hoo for working out. 

 Today, I've once again let my emotions get the best of me. I blame  my brother for lecturing instead of listening. And I'm sore because I exercised! And my cat got away, but came back. Now she hates me, though. 

etc and so forth. I will eat cheesecake. 

I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. 

Sorry, I had to keep writing until I at least half-believed it. 

Why must I sleep until noon? It's like I have no control over the matter. There are times when I find that I may even be sleeping long than that if something important doesn't wake me up. I want to get up earlier!  

 It's not going away, this feeling of hate towards that person I cared about. 
And it's because I accidentally visualized them having sex. 
And though everyone knows what I'm going through, it's normal, blah, blah... I really don't think that they have any idea how I feel about it. 

 I'm so angry. This is why: 

1. Stupid people who think that they can condescend to me and patronize me when they are six years younger than I am. And talking about MY family. 
2. People who don't write back to me when I ask questions.
3. People who can't type, can't spell, and think that I love their techno-babble instant messenger bullshit.
4. Heat. 
5. Cold. 
6. The sound of running water, like that which doesn't stop because my toilet is not properly fixed. Oh, and the sound of the neighbor's toilet since the pipes run behind the head of my bed.
7. Inconvenient things.
8. Sloppy drunks such as myself (these days). 
9. The priorities of people and the nation. My age, my relationship status, and my sexual preference are, number one, not the most important things about me, nor the most defining. And number two, none of your goddamned business.
10. I don't want to remember things, I don't want to fear that the good memories will be replaced or disappear, I'm angry because I have to heal. 

Can't see, can't think
Steady downpour
Droplet thoughts
Torrential decisions 
Pouring emotions
Pitter patter promises
Flooding
It's the rain



I considered giving this a happy ending, but the whole point is to get across the moment. The timeless, yet suspended feeling that you get when the rain hits the window. 
I *despise* rain.

The weak run away. The weak hide from the celestial orbs that define night and day. The weak escape into vice, or escape into afterlife. Now, I'm not suggesting that I'm weak, but I'm certainly not tough. What does the average person do when the tough fight and the weak give up?