The Epitome of Insanity

Wednesday is an arbitrary day. It's not spelled anything like it's pronounced, it happens in the middle of the rest of the days, and it has it's own tv/movie character.
From The Adaams Family. *snap, snap*

Yes. Really.
Don't make that face at me. 

I've assigned things to different days ever since I was a wee small tadpole in a wee small pond. I can't remember what started this: perhaps a lot of time spent alone, with only the company of my college-aged barbies, whose sordid lives occupied much of my free time. I had to think of something to do when the barbies were sleeping off a hangover. Monday was the day in which I would do nothing but spin in dizzying circles on recess. Friday was the day I played house. Saturday was beanie-baby day, and Tuesday nights were for matchbox cars and dinosaurs (for I was an asexual, equal opportunity child).  Wednesdays were swinging days. I'd swing all day at school, and then swing when I got home, which may not have endeared me to Wednesdays at all, as I tended to be fairly nauseous by the end of the evening. This was not to say that I didn't swing on other days, but there was something special about looking at the world upside down and wondering if I could see the end of the week.

I always secretly had this desperate academic desire to create a *new* day. Something that maybe didn't end in "-day". Then I could refurbish the whole calendar. Maybe I'd name it after my bunny rabbit (who died LONG before his time). It could be a weekly holiday for my stuffed animals. I'd certainly give it a better nickname than "Hump" day, which is logical, in theory. But the world needed revolution! Something different. At least, it needed something that didn't sound like it was conceived by drunken fraternity brothers waiting to be deflowered. 

Over time, my passion for fun-dip and one too many spills from the monkey bars pushed me into new, grown up territory. There were boys responsibilities that I selflessly invited into my life. My desire for designated days disintegrated into dependency on doing different deeds. 
I found that Wednesday was meant to encourage young spelling bee champions (the kid who sat next to me in Science)(and you thought it was me) that the rest of the week would be easier.  Ultimately, I saluted Wednesdays for having the courage to be something that no other day could be: arbitrary. 

I seriously just spent an hour filling out a survey for my old school as well as I could because it mattered, and the website flipped out and told me I could only push the submit button once at the end of the survey and sent me to the home page. I can't even get back to the survey

It makes me want to hurt someone. Instead, I will paint my nails.

The self-help medium has gone too far. It began with knowledgeable people supplying information to those who had no other source.

And now, we have to be told how to relax. How to connect with ourselves. How to get dressed in the morning.
Because we don’t all put our pants on one leg at a time. Oh no.

It has enforced a middle man- capitalism. Before marketing and materialism became the focal point of the american culture, people shared. I told my friend that cutting the butter in half for some kinds of cookies works better at high altitudes FOR ME. She told me that Valerian was a good stress-relieving herbal remedy FOR HER. There was no assurance that either of these practices would work best for the other person, only suggestion.
And that’s the power of suggestion really. It’s so powerful that it has become, not suggestion, but demand. My way or the high-way. Left is wrong because right is right.

I admit it, though. I play into it. I want people to tell me what to do. How can I rebel otherwise? How can I think outside the box if I don’t have the box?

Someone once explained to me that in order to define yourself as compassionate, you had to want others to suffer. So that you could be compassionate towards them. While I disagree entirely with that assessment, it’s worth analyzing: Does everything I assert imply another condition? If I want to be my own person, does that mean that I want everyone else to be the same? If I believe that Christianity is the correct faith, do I judge those who believe differently?

My conclusion is this: Yes, sometimes there are implied opposites. Judgement happens, even by those who are the most understanding- it’s a condition of human interaction. Am I going to assume that everyone is the same because I am different? No.

But I could. If only I could find the right seminar...

Grinding my teeth? Nervous habit. Shaking uncontrollably? Nervous habit.

Texting with one hand? Work-related injury.

I just received this email:

SWEET! 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94KcI0gLq1A

Dear Common Sense: 

I just wanted you to know how glad I am that you're around- how proud I am of you. You saved my life in ways I was not even sure of until recently, and you helped to show me how awful things could've been. You also temper my vanity so that I don't post countless pictures of myself in the same pose, making the same face, wearing the same clothes, from the same day on websites where my family and friends can stalk me. I love you. 

Yours truly, 
Higher Self

I can't sleep. I'm not sure what's on my mind, or why I'm so unsettled tonight, but it's 4:30 am, and I'm just not tired. 

Settle, hon, settle. 

They've moved the softball game to the 5th of August instead of the 12th? Why does everything have to be so complicated. It could just work, stay on the assigned day, etc, so forth. It was scheduled like that on purpose to begin with, I assume.

Damn it all.

 

I was really hoping there'd be someone to talk to tonight. I don't need to vent about problems or anything, I'm just... alone. Very, very alone.  

It's every three fucking seconds! I try to watch something online and have to stop it to let it load every three seconds. Ooooh.... it's frustrating. 

Does no male understand that I don't want to be the one responsible for keeping in touch? You calling/writing me means that you care about me. If you don't call/write, you don't care. It's that kind of translation. This is not hard. 

Three different friends. Three different people who didn't respond to my communications and simultaneously signed out.
Impressive.

 

It's 5:11 am. After a very rough evening, I've concluded that butter does go bad, one can obviously tell, and should not eat it. Keep refrigerated at all times. Do not eat lots of food with bad butter.  

It took him a long time to convince her that he wanted her.
No one feels like they've done anything wrong.
He didn't let on. It had been lacking for a while.
Discussed the potential future at length.

Conclusion:  run away. 

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate

It's going to be bad today. I feel it. 
It's because I woke up to people being righteous about their lives and patronizing me. It's because even though I've tried to get over it, I can't. It's because there's no help for it. 
It's because I was awake at 7:45, which was good, if I was leaving today. Bad as far as having nothing to do. 
And maybe I just should go. Maybe I should leave everything behind physically first, then emotionally, and someday in the distant future, I'll come back to it. I made promises, but are they realistic enough for me to keep them? One can't have both and think that neither side will be resentful. 

I need better guidance. 

These have impacted me, whether I relate to them, or was frightened to death.

Every moment of one's existence one is growing into more or retreating into less. One is always living a little more or dying a little bit.

 

Norman Mailer

 

 

I would say a lot of the emotion in what I do is a sort of a thankfulness for those energies being around, because there's been points in my life when they weren't around, and it's a real sort of miserable existence.

John Frusciante

“The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one's "own" or "real" life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life.”

CS. Lewis

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. ~Irene Peter

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. ~Bertold Brecht

“For if I try to seize this self of which I feel sure, if I try to define and to summarize it , it is nothing but water slipping through my fingers...This very heart which is mine will forever remain indefinable to me.”

Albert camus

In the last analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for "finding himself." If he persists in shifting his responsibility to somebody else, he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence.

 

Thomas Merton

 

Man's love is of man's life a part; it is a woman's whole existence. In her first passion, a woman loves her lover, in all the others all she loves is love.

 

Lord Byron

 

 

Self-control means wanting to be effective at some random point in the infinite radiations of my spiritual existence.

 

Franz Kafka


::Edit:: I never thought of myself as masochistic until the day I repeated behavior I knew was bad for me. Was I expecting it to change? 



I give up.

Now that I am in possession of almost every Bond movie ever made, I have a request. I need at some point to own the two newest ones: Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace.  For that matter, I don't think I've even seen the second one yet, which is quite disappointing. 
My plan for this morning is to watch Dr. No while exercising, then clean, etc and so forth. I have eaten a good breakfast, so that I don't feel bad like yesterday. Woo hoo for working out. 

 Today, I've once again let my emotions get the best of me. I blame  my brother for lecturing instead of listening. And I'm sore because I exercised! And my cat got away, but came back. Now she hates me, though. 

etc and so forth. I will eat cheesecake. 

I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. I'm bigger than this. 

Sorry, I had to keep writing until I at least half-believed it.